In 1831, a young Charles Darwin set out on a five year trip around South America aboard a ship called the HMS Beagle, and carried out extensive investigations of the local fauna for the purposes of international scientific enrichment. His research, published in 1839 under the title “The Voyage of the Beagle,” led to the development of the theory of evolution.

I have similarly sacrificed several years of my life to the service of natural science in South America, and although I must, out of modesty, hesitate to declare that my studies have surpassed the immortal Darwin in their scope or depth, I feel certain that my analyses of Latin American beauty have at least earned my name a special place in the annals of intellectual history.

Now, before I even begin, I can already hear the outraged snapping and snarling of defensive female readers rumbling across the Americas: you can’t really be saying that one specific country has the monopoly on beautiful women? Certainly not, stutters the beleaguered scribe, for surely every country in the world has pretty girls. It’s just that Venezuela has hordes, swarms, teeming mobs even, of them, and just as the resplendent quetzal is the glory of the Yucatan Peninsula and the South American condor has its specific geographic niche along the Andes range, the most splendorous of all the eye-catching human birds of paradise in the South American continent undoubtedly reside within the borders of Venezuela.

Of course I could never, in good conscience, make an assertion like this without backing it up with plenty of hard, well researched data. Although every student of  science must recognize that nothing in the world can ever be definitively proven, I believe that my theory that Venezuelan women are the most beautiful on the continent of South America has sufficient evidence backing it  to render it at least as empirically strong as say, Newton’s law of gravity.

So in order to approach the topic scientifically, as every biological textbook teaches us, the first thing we need is systematicity. That is to say, lists.

Perhaps more than any other culture in the world, it is important for South American (hereafter referred to as “Latin”) women to feel that they are beautiful, and it is generally agreed among well-travelled admirers of the wondrous beasts that there exist three different feminine aesthetics prevalent on the continent:

  1. The Argentino-Uruguayan: Svelte and bohemian
  2. The Southern Brazilian: Leggy and athletic
  3. The Colombo-Venezuelan: Voluptuous and fun

Similarly, we must consider the four environmental elements that influence men’s opinions when judging locations as regarding the women:

  1. “Head-turning frequency” (proportion of female physical beauty found in the general population)
  2. The ratio of women to men (places with more women to men being better)
  3. The quality of the men (places with uglier or less agreeable men rating higher, since that means that competition for females would be low)
  4. The approachability of the women (friendlier places rating higher)

As well, there are various theories as to why the women of Venezuela are so incredibly gorgeous. So in the tradition of Einstein, who declared that curiosity is holy, I conducted in-depth investigations on the subject, and came across three different hypotheses that popped up again and again in the mouths of the local people:

  1. Geography: Humidity and hills
  2. Politics: The fascist dictator Marcos Pérez Jiménez
  3. Genetics: Racial Mixing

And finally, any writer discussing female beauty should try to define his terms, as far as an objective definition of feminine attractiveness can be scientifically obtained. In this respect I shall have to confine myself to physical attributes (and restrict myself to the western hemisphere, because Asians often have diametrically opposed aesthetics and sexual preferences) and recognize that the ideal female body and face are infinitely debatable, as the regional editors of Playboy magazine in Brazil (whose models almost inevitably flaunt their behinds on the covers), the United States (with breasts as the best sellers) and Japan (with exceptionally young models as favorites) could easily tell you. However, it is still demonstrable that there are several attributes in the female body that are consistently attractive to the majority of straight human males, and these are:

  1. Thick, full lips and
  2. Big, round breasts
  3. A round behind or wide hips
  4. Youthful appearance
  5. Facial symmetry

Thus, in the interests of scientific advancement, I shall discuss each of these topics in turn.

I. The three dominant South American female aesthetics:

1. The Argentino-Uruguayan: Svelte and bohemian

In Buenos Aires, the first aesthetic is evident on every street and has even permeated into the literature of the region, with bohemian, chain-smoking protagonist beauties like la maga from Júlio Cortázar’s epic bohemian novel “Rayuela” (according to many the classic of Argentine letters) being presented as the ideal. Every Argentinean woman over thirty in the capital seems almost professionally tragic, and the current president, Cristina Kirchner, could also be taken as a withered representative of the national paradigm.

2. The Southern Brazilian: Leggy and athletic

In southern Brazil there are more gyms per capita than anywhere else on the continent, and the beach-loving, samba-dancing local girls make abundant use of them. There is a “cult of the body” in the country that is recognized and respected continent-wide. While most of the rest of Latin women generally couldn’t care less about exercise or being “in shape,” there is no shortage of muscular-legged and six-packed girls here.

3. The Colombo-Venezuelan: Voluptuous and fun

In the north of the continent, the Columbian and Venezuelan women share a similar style and ideal, which is often referred to scientifically as “T and A[1].” Thus in Spanish-speaking Latin America they are generally considered to be the most desirable girls in the traditional (read: primeval) sense.

Now, on the South American continent there is a kind of unofficial contest between these three paradigms and the various countries they represent, but the Venezuelans are often thought of, considering their many Ms. Universe crowns,[2] to be the greatest representatives of Latina sensuality on the whole landmass.

It is the dream of many, many young girls in Venezuela to become Miss Somewhere, and I have heard that the Ms. Universe build-up in the country is comparable to the build-up that takes place in the United States for the Summer Olympic Games.

The classic example of how far Venezuelan beauty (with a little brains and ability) can take you is Irene Saez, who was crowned Miss Universe in 1981 at the age of nineteen. Ten years later, she became the mayor of one of the five municipalities that make up Caracas, the capital of Venezuela, and modernized the administration, raising its efficiency to unprecedented levels, and becoming the first mayor of Caracas to ever be reelected by popular vote. In 1998, she formed her own party and ran for president, leading in the opinion polls with her corruption-ending, bureaucracy-reducing platform. However, the steamrolling popularity of that miserable Chávez rat ended Venezuela’s dream of a gorgeous, elegant 36 year-old sex-goddess becoming head of state.

Some voters are incomprehensible.

II. Renowned South American “hot spots”

1. Head-turning Frequency: by Country and Continent

Brazil: The most beautiful women in the whole of Brazil, apparently according to nationwide survey, are the girls from Rio de Janeiro. They are probably the most athletic and beach-going women on the continent, and a nice mix of the white-skinned south and black-skinned mid-coast. Rio is apparently also a gay Mecca, as is São Paolo, the biggest city on the continent, which has annual gay pride marches that gather three to four million people on average. The best white girls in Brazil are, according to nearly all accounts, in the southern provinces of Santa Catarina and Rio Grande Do Sul, most specifically in S.C.’s capital of Florianopolis. The region is famous for beautiful women of German descent, like Giselle Bündchen, the highest paid model in the world. The state of Minas Gerais, and its capital of Belo Horizonte, are famous as well, although to a lesser degree, for the local fauna. It is also interesting to observe the courtship rituals of these pleasant mammals, as when it comes to flirting there is very little “game playing,” and Brazil is the only country I know of where women in bars are well known to physically grab you and pull you outside to a cab or motel, without a word of introduction.

Argentina: The Argentineans say that the women from Rosario are the best around, but I can’t comment on that as unfortunately I never made it there. Buenos Aires is also supposed to be chock full of staggering beauties too, although personally I didn’t see very many in the two months that I spent there. According to the travel website, that caters to (who would have thought) gay travellers, the capital of Argentina is the top gay tourist destination on the entire planet[3], and the only city on the continent where there is a five-star all-gay hotel (“The Axel Hotel,” with a glass-bottomed swimming pool suspended above the lobby for people-watching and “please disturb” signs for the doors) and same-sex legal union is a possibility. Cordoba is another city often mentioned by girl-hunters, as it is a university town with lots of nubile-age females swaying and bobbling about. The Argentinean mating patterns are intriguing as well, as casual sex is incredibly common, in a “Last Tango in Paris” bohemian kind of way, with a jargon-ridden Spanish dialect involving numerous words like amigovio (a combination of amigo and novio [boyfriend]), amigarche (a combo of amigo and garchar [a very vulgar term for “have sex”]) and amigo con derechos a roce (literally “friend with rubbing privileges”) which all mean “casual sex friend” and are all in common usage…

[1] For those readers who may not use English as a first language and may consequently be unfamiliar with the expression, “T and A” stands for “tenderness and affection” and refers to a woman’s care-giving and spiritual qualities.

[2] Ms. Universe 2008 and 2009 were two Venezuelans: Dayana Mendoza and Maritza Sayalero Fernández. Venezuela is in second place for the most crowns in history (the U.S.A. has one more, but 25 times the population) and is the only country in history to win twice in a row.

[3] Similar studies have developed a list of countries popular for “female sex tourism,” where rich Western or Asian women go to look for flings with handsome and sexually aggressive men. The primary destinations apparently being Italy, Lebanon, Jamaica, Cuba, Bali, Egypt, Gambia and Kenya.

It is also interesting to note that Argentina is the only country in Latin America where the men (both hetero and homo) give each other a kiss on the cheek to say hello and goodbye. In Brazil only gay men do this, so it gave me the strong first impression that all the men I met in Argentina were gay.


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